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March 10, 2006

人の生き死に

kaorina。が死のうとするのを止めると,
「なんの権利があって私を生かしておくのか?」
「どうして生き死にを自由に決められないのか?」
「どうしていつまでも私を苦しめるのか?」
というようなことをいつも聞かれる。
私は誰でもそれぞれ好きに行動してもらいたいと思っているし,いつもそう言っているので,こういうふうに聞かれると弱い。だからといって,「じゃあ好きにすれば。」と言ったら即死んじゃうわけで。数日前ももう一歩で持っていかれるところだった。

余命幾ばくもない人が,苦しみから逃れるために死を望んだら,私はそれを受け入れてもいいと思っていた。先の望みがない中での苦しみから解放されたいという感情は,否定できないと思っていた。
だが,kaorina。の苦しみも,本人にとってはおそらくそれとほぼ同じだ。「自分にはもうこの先なんの希望もない。」「毎日毎日つらくて苦しくてしかたがない。」といった言葉を繰り返し聞かされているのに,死によってそこから解放されたいという望みは受け入れられないのはなぜか。
「どんなに手を尽くしても,または何もしなくても,死が訪れることが確定してしまっている。」かどうかがポイントなのではないか。「何もしなくても死にはしない。」「手を尽くせばどうにかできるはずだ。」という思いが,kaorina。の望みを受け入れられない理由だろう。

必死に体を張ってkaorina。の行動を止め,その後に延々と続く説得の時間。心身共に疲れ果てるが,私自身の考え方が整理されたりする利点もある。自分が死なないことにさえ気をつければ,案外役に立っているのだろう。

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Comments

うちでは
「おれの生きているのになんの意味があるのか?」
「きみを苦しめているだけではないか?」

という会話がときどきなされます。
昨晩もそうでした。

でもただ、生きていて、そばにいてほしいだけなんですけどねえ。

それはわたしのわがままであろうことは承知しています。

ただ、彼らがはやくに死んでしまったら、いちばん悲しむのは、配偶者ではなく、友人や、親(特に母親)や彼らの兄弟姉妹ではないか、とさいきん思えてしようがなりません。

なのですべてのひとに生きていてほしいです。

Posted by: まほ | March 11, 2006 at 11:57

まほさんこんにちは。コメントありがとうございます。

死んでしまったら悲しむ人がいて,そういう人たちにとってその悲しみはとても重いもののはずなんですよね。
でも,死にたいと言っている当人は,そんな他人の悲しみよりも自分の苦しみのほうがずっと重いわけで。
そんな状況で何を言っても自分のわがままを押しつけるだけのようになってしまうのが,とても歯がゆいのです。
だから,ただ正直に思っていることを伝えるしかないのだと思ってやっています。

これも必要な修行なのかもしれませんね(^^)。

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