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February 16, 2006

愚痴ってみる

本当に苦しいときは誰も助けてくれない,と思っている。私の現状に対して,「困ったことがあったらなんでも聞くから,なんでも言って。」と言われるが,実際本音で言ったら聞きはするだろうけれど,なにもしてくれないんだろうと思う。そうなると言うだけ空しいと思うので,結局何も言わないことになる。あー,心が荒みきっているなぁ。
まあ周りは実際私がそれほど苦しい状況にあるとは思っていないだろうから,私が壊れでもしないと「がんばれ」くらいしか言わないだろう。でも「がんばれ」はもう聞き飽きた。私は以前から思っているが,がんばっている人に「がんばれ」と言うことほど残酷なことはない。現在の私にはまだがんばる余地はあるのだろうと思うが,もう精神的,体力的な余裕がほとんどない。もう疲れた。
死のうとは思わないが,現状が継続するとまあ体は壊すだろう。その前に精神が崩壊した方がなにもわからなくなって楽かもしれない。

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