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November 07, 2005

自分にご褒美

よくやったなぁ,と思った時などに「自分にご褒美」と言ったりする(いつからなのか,どこが発祥なのか知りたいものだ)。私も自分にご褒美といきたいものだが,あいにくそんなカネもヒマもないのが現状だ。最近よく思い出すのが,昔聴いたお話のレコードにあった「ちびくろサンボ」中で歌われる「ちびくろサンボは泣いちゃった,みんなとられてむしられて,四匹のトラがしゃくだぁ」というやつ。サンボがとられたのは服と靴と傘だったと思うが,自分がこのちびくろサンボと同じ境遇のような気分になる。そして深い悲しい気持ちが胸中にわき上がってきて涙を流す。夢でも号泣し,目が覚めるとだーだー涙を流していたりする(泣く夢は昔からよく見るが)。こんな気分になるのはいったいどれくらいぶりだろう。とられたもの,むしられたものはなんだろう。カネとかモノとかの形あるものから,時間とか楽しい気分とかの形ないものまで,いろいろなものを失っているように感じてしまう。実際はそれほどのことはないのだろうし,「昔はみんな苦労した」という意見もあるだろう。だからこの程度のことはいたって普通のことで,まったく思い悩む必要のないものかもしれない。しかし時代はまったく違い,現代は「心の豊かさ」だとかそういうものに価値を求める時代だ。だがそのベースになるものはカネであり,カネがなければなにもできないし,逆にカネがあればなんでも買えるしなんでもできる(現在カネで買えないものは「永遠の命」と「真実の心」だけなんじゃないかと思う)。まずカネを失い,そこから発してさまざまなものを失っているということだろうか。いや,カネカネいっている時点でもう心を失っているのだろうか。

kaorina。が鬱の時など,「なんのために生きてるのか」とよく問われるが,その答えはわからない。「なにかいいことあると思って生きてるんじゃない?」と答えてみるものの,「なにもいいことなんかない」と返される。「なにもいいことなんかない」と思ってしまったら人生おしまいなのだろうか。いや,そう思いつつも生きている。ではなぜ?夢?希望?幻?妄想?・・・。
たしかにささやかないいことがあって,私もそれを支えにして生きているような気がするが,最近ささやかないいことさえも激減しているように思う。やっかいごとやつらいことばかりが降ってわいてきて,一つ片づければまた次,こっちが解決しないのにまた別の問題発生,というようなことばかりだ。今はそういう時期なのかもしれないが,いつまで続くのか,先が見えないというのはものすごく負担大だ。こんな状態におかれている私が,鬱病にもならず,精神崩壊もせず,自殺もせず,踏みとどまっている理由はなんだろう。いっそひどい鬱病にでもなってODしてなにもわからなくなってしまえば楽なんじゃないかと思ったりもするが,そうならない(こんなことを考えている時点で鬱だと言われそうだが,鬱病と鬱状態は違うからなぁ)。やはり,私にはまだやりたいことやかなえたいことがあるからなんだろうか。そんなクモの糸のようなか細くて弱いものをアテにして毎日過ごしているわけか。

周りの人は「あなたがしっかりしないと家庭がダメになっちゃうから頑張れよ」みたいなことを言うが,私は今でも相当頑張っていると思う。「頑張っている」と言っている時は本当に頑張っているわけでないという思いもあるし,まだ頑張る余地はあるのだろうが,はっきり言って疲れたのでしばらく休みたい。私が「頑張っている」と言ってそれを否定する人はそんなに多くないと思うし。まあ,これ以上「頑張れ」とは言われたくない。
私はかなり以前から「頑張れ」という言葉はなるべく使わないようにしている。十分頑張っている人にさらに頑張れというのは拷問に近いと思っているからだ。そして今自分が「頑張れ」という言葉にさらされているが,日本人は「頑張れ」という言葉が好きなので,強い意味を持たせず,慣用句のように使っているだけだと思っている。なので,適当に「はい」とか「わかりました」と聞き流しているが,kaorina。みたいなマジメ人間だったらきっとその言葉につぶされてしまうんだろうと思う。ではなんと言って欲しいのか,と聞かれると答えに困る。一つ言えるのは,余計なことを言わず,こちらの話を聞いて欲しいということだ。私もkaorina。に対して心がけているが,話の途中で諭したり,励ましたり,意見したりせず,言いたいことを全部話し終わるまで黙って聞く,それが一番の望みだろうと思う。そうやって自分の心を拾い上げて欲しいと思うのだ。

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Comments

とんちんかんなコメントですが・・・
「さんぼ」はとらさんにみんなとられちゃうけど、
そんなに落ち込みませんよね。
それで、とらさんがバターになっちゃって、みんな
とられたものは戻ってくるんだけど、
そんなに喜びませんよね。
一番の喜びは、ぱぱがもってったバターで
ままが焼いてくれたホットケーキを死ぬほど食うこと!
金や物欲を超えたものが人間には必要なんでしょうね。
(このぱぱは、いっつも肝心なときにいなくて、
ピンチを脱した後にご機嫌で登場する変なキャラ)
(第2話は、かわいい2人の弟が陰険なサルに誘拐されて
しまいます。その時もぱぱは役立たず。)

Posted by: guuchokipanten | November 11, 2005 at 11:26

「自分にご褒美」
よく言いますが,年々,ご褒美と思えるハードルが上がってきます。つまり前はこれで満足だったものが,年取るとともにそうではなくなってきていて,どうなっちゃうんだろ?って感じです。

ほんとのご褒美は,自分のやってることとか言ったことを受け入れてくれる場があることだと思いますが,手に入りそうで,なかなかない,やっかいで貴重なご褒美ですね。

Posted by: じゅんちゃん | November 11, 2005 at 22:29

>guuchokipantenさま
実家にあるちびくろサンボの本は弟たち(ウーフとムーフ)の話が第二話として載っていましたが、最近復刊されたものでは第二話が別冊で出ていますね。第二話の最後でもホットケーキを食べていたような気がしますが。それで最後のページは「いたずらものの猿にはなにもありませんでした。」だったと思います。

>じゅんちゃん
となるとハードルは低くしておくといいってことですねぇ。私の場合今でも十分低い気がしますが(^^;)。

Posted by: ひげぺんぎん | November 12, 2005 at 01:36

「さんぼのうちでは、羊の肉をみんな鷲にやってしまったので、その晩お母さんは代わりにまたおいしいホットケーキをお皿にいっぱい作りました。」
「鷲の家でもちびくろさんぼの家でも『大ご馳走』でした。けれども、悪い猿たちだけは、なんにもご馳走がありませんでした。」

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